Found cat's membership card for Society of Evil Geniuses. Argued that does not entitle him to my Doomsday device. Found poop in shoe.

[MrZ: @
ladycaviar but I needs the Doomsday Device. It is full of warm and my toes are cold. Plus I can explode stuff.]

good god my butt makes these pants look HUGE

omg my cat @MisterZonker has four times as many followers on Twitter than I do. Something is crazy here. Must contact @socevilgeniuses

Caught cat Googling 'thumbs,' 'evil geniuses,' and 'Doomsday device, best offer.' Cannot trust cat with car keys anymore.


I'm considering getting the cat his own Twitter account. I'm certain it would look just like this:

Annoying Bird Noises
Typed with braiin.


junk mail from Society of Evil Geniuses says I can make $$$ from home with my Doomsday Device. Yeah, like I'd share, fools. FOOLS!

There's this electrical switch in my house that goes to nothing. I labeled it DOOMSDAY DEVICE. Now I'm kinda afraid to touch it.

Twizzlers do not make good lockpicks. Must also remember to carry more bail money next time.

another STFU, n00b!!eleventy!! message from Anonymous. Confusing addition of XOXOXO and multiple smileys. Wish me luck with new blind date!

y'know, for all the great literature Anonymous has written, you'd think he'd come back with a better comeback than STFU, n00b

my nemesis Anonymous has found me again. Note to self: buy more tinfoil, out of hats.

I can't understand what my cat says. He's Siamese, and my Thai is rusty. You need *what* for your pipe bomb? Stop mumbling, cat.

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