The Man and I were laughing last night that Avian Swine flu is, of course, breeding grounds for "when pigs fly" jokes. If either of us could remember the stellar one he made last night, I'd post it. Sadly, we're brain-dead dorks today.

[It's even funnier to us because we've probably had ASF -- both of us had monster flu recently, in TX, that had us both knocked flat and dead sick (me with eventual pneumonia) for two weeks at minimum.]

So make with the lulz, mah peeps. Share ur flying pig jokes!

Found cat's membership card for Society of Evil Geniuses. Argued that does not entitle him to my Doomsday device. Found poop in shoe.

[MrZ: @
ladycaviar but I needs the Doomsday Device. It is full of warm and my toes are cold. Plus I can explode stuff.]

Today, the weather was nice, if a bit wet, and The Z chose to do his Mighty Panther impression in the enclosed backyard as he is often wont to do.

It's funnier to watch when the grass is wet, because he will carefully lift each paw to minimize the icky damp contact, and he won't stalk the grass as low as he does when it's dry so his Predator Belly doesn't get drippy. But The Mighty Panther does his rounds in the Backyard Veldt, taunting the dogs with his Catly Aromas, which waft through the fence and drive the Evil Dog Things insane -- much to the amusement of The Z.

MrZ attacks the grass with his four remaining teeth, all Siamese fangs, until he's got enough to barf back up, whereupon he prefers to return to the house to deposit said barf offerings inside on the clean tile. Just one of his quirks. Because barfing outside is Icky, you see. I think cleaning up barf is Icky, but I don't get a lot of say in this... The Z's system is The Z's system and I am merely his servant. *sigh*

Apparently, going potty outside is also out of the question. I'm not sure why. Perhaps since we don't go potty in the backyard, he won't either. Perhaps he just doesn't like anyone watching. In any case, MrZ returns inside every time. Strange cat. I didn't really think much of it today.

Until we heard a different repeating "mao" than we'd heard before. A LOUD MAO. When we looked at Z, he was wearing cement shoes. It seems that soggy paws and scoop litter is a Mafia hit on a cat.

Poor muffin. Nobody likes being cuddled in a towel by your Mama who's laughing so hard she can hardly clean your paws right. Mao! Mao! How can something so poignantly sad be so hilarious? The trauma... oh god I think I hurt my pancreas... ahahahhaahha

I'm considering getting the cat his own Twitter account. I'm certain it would look just like this:

Annoying Bird Noises
Typed with braiin.


Because [personal profile] brock_tn  and [livejournal.com profile] saoba  asked for it, I made this:




I am sick. Like pneumonia sick. So I can't sleep, and this comes to me. So I made it to get the voices out of my head. God, I'm funny.

*hacks up something vile*

Try and guess what it is before you look under the cut. Me, I think it's hilarious. YMMV.





come on, give it one more try before you click for the answer )
I am totally a Coke addict. Yeah, ha ha ha.

The old joke about “drowning when you snort it” would be kinda tired, but I’ve got a set of friends led by [info]torin3 and The Chef who somehow manage to get me to hork something through my sinuses at least once a year, so it’s not so much a joke as a reminder. The last thing I snorted was wasabi, IIRC. Now that was an experience – but that wasn’t where I was going at all.

a little prelude for the confused )
Shopping around, I found Mexican Coke way cheap at a store I don’t usually go to. Score! When I got home, I popped one open and iced it up.

Weird. Kinda freaky tasting today. Kinda like… malk?[1],[2]

So I looked at the bottle. Damn, it’s been a long time since I saw a returnable bottle, all rough where the bottles rub up against each other. Ah, memories. Ah, nostalgia.

Wait. Coca-Cola Mexíco doesn’t use returnables. Uh oh.

So I looked at the receipt. It rang up as “BUENO COCO COLO.” That sounds like a festive umbrella rum drink. I don’t think my caveat emptor radar had warmed up to the stupid level while I was in that store. Damn, I got fake bootleg Coke.

Holy crap, what’s the world come to when you can’t trust bootleggers anymore? Didn’t they unionize or something when the Volstead Act was repealed? What happened to honor among thieves, or the “pirates’ code,” as revealed in the documentary series Pirates of the Caribbean? Man, I bet I can’t even trust what the chip in my head tells me anymore.


[1] “but I drink plenty of … malk? (Now with Vitamin R!)” Bart Simpson, “The PTA Disbands”

[2] “I don't get it. Everyone loves rats, but they don’t want to drink the rats’ milk?” Fat Tony, “Mayored to the Mob”

 

When your significant other reaches the point where he (or she) hates his job or his boss so much he either needs to quit or he’s going out on a roof somewhere to shoot out a busload of kindergartners, you got some options.

or maybe it's just me, I don't know )
Threesomes are difficult to manage. Oh yeah, two chicks will cooperate, sure, but two guys always end up jealous and competing. Don’t ask me how I know that. Let’s just politely assume I read that somewhere and move on.

not the pr0n you think it is )
For those of you who have been unable to find me lately, either this post will clear things up or send you around the bend, I don't know. First, though, I feel compelled to share a new icon I made (and the much better accompanying animation) inspired by [livejournal.com profile] syrjustus' fabulous theory that commander-in-chief is actually a secret identity for a superhero:



There's a size limit to making an LJ icon, but I decided the Justus man needed that one -- hence the crippleware version above.

As for the rest of you... )

I'll surface eventually. If it's important, email me. In the meantime, I know that Fr-Ozone image is stuck in your mind forever. Haha.

EDIT: Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] scascot , the little animation has gone viral already. And when I posted the below on YouTube, it got a crazy amount of hits before I had finished entering the damn description. Go figure what people will click on. Or, for that matter, what shiny objects I will be distracted with in the midst of a graphics feeding frenzy.

[Error: unknown template qotd] Sold a kidney and started turning tricks like everybody else, duh.

Why, why, why, for the love of God why did someone hack my userpics so that my default pic cycles randomly to a picture of Obama? Ok, thanks for picking one where he's like grooving out or something, but fuck all, what did I do to deserve this? Is he trying to get on my dance card with the escort service? Jeez, like Clinton doesn't have my number memorized or anything, he could pass it along -- I'm sure I'm still on the Oval Office speed dial, Bush kept pushing the button lableled "sardine pizza" thinking he'd get actual pizza, LOL.

Queued, was that you?

Damn, I'm in a mood today.

The Pie


And just because I think it's funny (thanks [livejournal.com profile] scascot  for the inspiration)




This is my niece as a lobster for halloween, with some kid I don't know. Please come up with a suitable caption.
Today is not only the Fabulous MrZ's actual 21st birthday, but also that of my brother, the strange and acerbic Queued [who I can't get to LJ-link right, dammit.]


here's pictures of one of them, I leave it to you to figure out which )

He's doing great, and he's even adapting to Texas well. He still stomps around the house yelling, as both Siamese cats and old dudes do. I assumed what he was saying was, "Ethel! Where are my glasses? Ethel! Where are my pants?" Of course, now that we're in Texas, he's had to make a few adjustments: "Maria! Donde esta my pants? Maria! Donde esta my soul jar? I could go at any minute... Mao..."

We didn't let him vote, even though he's of age, since he keeps ranting about Taft and demanding we bring back Eisenhower.

Not bad for a cat that just a few years ago had chewed off all his fur and was so threadbare he looked like the Velveteen Rabbit. Go MrZ.

My brother, on the other hand, seems perfectly capable of locating his own pants, and has never had dust come off him when you patted him as far as I know.

Happy Birthday, dudes.

Driving across the mountains of the South, literally the "purple mountains majesty," is one of the most transcendental meditations -- the swing of finding the perfect radius on the turns, the dance of gear to hill for just the right roller coaster ride, a kinetic trance space beyond care and tension that brings a tranquility amid some of the most beautiful scenery in North America --

unless you happen to have the Most Unhappy Cat In The World riding shotgun with you, in which case, it's not tranquil at all.
The cat's part in all this )

So other than that, did you know that there is a congressman named Zack Wamp running for re-election in Tennessee? I saw all those billboards, and the Star Wars geek in me wondered if he calls his supporters "wamp rats." Guess not.

What the hell?

for the link phobic )

I can't wrap my mind around this on so many levels.
First, she had to think of something this craptastic and idiotic and draw it out.
Then, someone had to go looking for it.
Then, they had to think it looked like somebody else's work -- like the famous one? implying there's more than one of these horrors in the world?
And the detainment just boggles my mind.

when torin3 read it to me, my part of the conversation went like this )
I found a little meme, the LJ Markov Random Text Generator, which mangles your blog like this:


Apparently only The Chef and I paid with a bagless vacuum with flames coming from reading Harry Potter. We lost his toenails, kinda hilarious, and control-Z in your tea: I spent a mangled Shakespeare reference and wooting. Bad news: It was eight hundred guys, and Obama -- I would be expected to whack myself into solar power, too.

In fact, it makes a fun new meme. Go run the LJ Markov Random Text Generator on your own LJ, and ADDING NO WORDS, only editing for punctuation and removing words and boring passages if you like, see if you can come up with something that amuses you. And post your best three sentences. Or not...

The entirety of the random text was entirely too close to the real journal entries for my taste. Maybe I'll just go to Rum and Monkey's auto-updater and save time from now on, LOL.

Somebody was passing around this meme:

the I'm-more-qualified-than-Palin-or-Biden-meme )
and then I found this one:

 

The Presidential Capacity Test )

Take The Presidential Capacity Test at HelloQuizzy


kinda hilarious, if you ask me.

From tonight's dinner discussion:

[livejournal.com profile] torin3 : "I've always wondered what happens when you mix pasta and antipasto."
[livejournal.com profile] ladycaviar : "I wonder how the Flying Spaghetti Monster feels about that."
The Chef: "Oh, didn't you know? Antipasto is what fuels his ship."

and later:
[livejournal.com profile] ladycaviar : "Did you just say, 'death badgers?'"
[livejournal.com profile] torin3 : "No, I said, 'Did you get the bag out of the back?'"
The Chef: "I like 'death badgers' better. I want some."
Dedicated to The Chef: Cake wrecks. Please to be putting down your drink first. They only get funnier as you scroll through...

Also, apparently only The Chef and I find this funny: Undead raccoons are raiding my trash. It's the little one with fangs you gotta watch out for.

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