An Open Letter to the Jerk Who Stole My Watch

[ladycaviar]

Dear Jerk:

I hope you enjoy my watch. I hope you love it as much as I did. I hope you particularly love the brand new leather band I just put on it. It took me 14 years to find that watch, can you appreciate that? Did you know that a watch with a moon phase dial is called a complication, and is a ridiculously difficult item to find in the 21st century, when no one appreciates watchmaking anymore? And I'm not talking one of those ridiculous day/night dials, either -- I can tell whether the sun is up, for god's sake, I don't need to look at my fucking watch for that.

I'm choosing to see this action of yours as a gift to you, so that you might appreciate fine art when you steal it. Enjoy. Savor it. You only have a finite amount of time on earth to love that watch before you fry in hell. As for me, this is my message to me not to settle, that really I was meant to have the Patek Phillippe that has my name on it, the beautiful exquisite culmination of horological artistry that requires a true connoiseur to appreciate, and not some moral-free Philistine who walks off with other people's timepieces. I will, however, have to wait until the Lottery Fairy comes to visit. Harrumph.

The only regret I have is that had I known you would feel a need to take my watch, I would have refrained from putting a lovely new strap on it. You could have appreciated it just as well with the old fake lizard band with the broken buckle.

Fuck you.

[I see this sort of thing is rampant: fosveny was recently liberated of the burden of his lawnmower.]

Comments

[johnomar915.livejournal.com]

I sorry to hear someone took your watch. Please tell me you weren't mugged for it. On the other hand, please tell me if you were so I can come hunt the M***** F***** down. I have some aggression to deal with.

[ladycaviar.livejournal.com]

No, actually, it would be funny if it weren't so stupid. You see, I have this big gash on my wrist because I'm a dramatic idiot... and I just got the band on my watch fixed, and I haven't been wearing it because the buckle was broken, so I was wearing my fancy new beautiful leather strap when I went to go see the Simpsons movie [liked it, btw] but by the end of the movie I was in incredible discomfort because of the idiot injury, you see, so when I was in the ladies room I took it off and set it on the counter so I could wash the sweat off my wrist and stop the stinging. And when I turned around from the paper towels, no watch. Bitches. I didn't see a thing, or I would have hunted myself. Still had the buck knife with me, too. ;)