Outsmarting cattle and other worthwhile pursuits

[ladycaviar]

Yesterday, I photographed cows. Yes, in all seriousness. And they were hell-bent on thwarting me.

Why did I choose to shoot cows (on film, and not in the "slow elk" kind of way), you ask? They looked so lovely and pastoral, I thought it would be a charming composition to work with reminiscent of 19th century painters who did similar pastorals, maybe I could even do a soft digital composition in a painterly w--oh hell, I just felt like it. But apparently, my bovine friends did not feel like posing. They looked perfect before I stopped the car. Like a chapter from my art history textbook. They were farther from the road than I thought, though, and I had to get closer to get the shot. Who would have thought you'd need a 400mm sports lens to shoot cattle? They're frigging cows, not racehorses. As soon as I popped the gate and walked into the field, I became the most interesting thing to happen all season. Dammit, lay down. F*ckers all stood up and walked to me. No, go back. No, I do not have treats. No, you all nosing me and blowing lawnmower boogers on me is not painterly, damn you. Go the hell over there where you were. No, do not --- no, no jesus! Now I see why farmers do not wear Manolo Blahniks. Shit. Euw. Christ, have a breath mint. Yeah, have the whole roll. Eat the wrapper, too, see if I care. No, NO, NOT the camera! Ok, screw this. They all followed me like ducklings to the fence, and I beat them back with the gate. Kang! Kang! Kang! They didn't seem to take it personally...

Nowhere in these lovely FANTASY pastoral paintings of the 19th century is it recorded that the cows followed the artist, knocked over his stool, paints, and easel, blew snot all over him and his materials, and ate the paint -- because I'm certain he had lead poisoning and was woozy high on turpentine fumes.

Got some nice pictures of rusty barbed wire and cow patties. I'm going to make it into "outsider art" and charge a fortune from my mental facility cell.

Comments

[tash-n-tail.livejournal.com]

um ... cows, sheep = livestock.

Very realistic.

Getting to commune with NATURE! Highly over rated when in those intense close contact contexts.

By a box of chockies with a lovely pastoral scene on the lid next time. Consume chockies one by one, savouring every mouthful and arrange one's self fetchingly upon the couch with a cuppa something soothing and study the pastoral scene from a distance.

Lovely!

[scascot.livejournal.com]

Moo. Moo? Moooo.

Are you sure they were cows, and not The Viking Herd^TM?

[bronx-baroness.livejournal.com]

AHHH! now it's official. You truly do live in Stierbach now.
It's the water- everyone in this Barony does that eventually. When you start doing it while on travel then you know it's really bad. Shortly after that you become the Baroness of Stierbach.

It's all part of the sinister plan. hee....

[ladycaviar.livejournal.com]

uh oh --- you didn't tell me about the Baroness part ... now I'm truly frightened, because I am obsessed with the cow project. Is this how it happened, my sister, my cousin? Do they give you padded cells? Are they nice?

[bronx-baroness.livejournal.com]

This is how it happened- I even went to California and found myself taking photos of cows.


And no, no padded cells, but a lot of them are nice.


Try switching to bottled water for a bit. :)

Awww....

[torin3.livejournal.com]

You were the puppy in a pre-school day-care center.

Re: Awww....

[bronx-baroness.livejournal.com]

Torin my brother....

I totally object to this icon of yours. Completely. It's sick and well, sick. And I find it gravely disturbing. Not there are any cats living with me- it's just that, the icon, is just WRONG in so many ways.

Where do you find these things? And will you tell us? :)

Re: Awww....

[torin3.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :)

I just find them browsing around Livejournal. And that one in particular, I found on the SP feed.

[dzayde.livejournal.com]

Nothing like nature... I rememebr when my roomie and I (She is a photographer and I am an artist) went looking for cows... no one tells you how much they SMELL!!!.. lol!

[bronx-baroness.livejournal.com]

I moved from the South Bronx to Enfield, Ct when I was about 14.
*Everyone* tried to get me to pet the cows. I resolutely refused to either get out of the car, or stay on the RIGHT side of the wire fences as far away from them as I could get.

I was at University when my friend Bruce, whose family owned many dairy farms, took me driving one night and discovered to his horror that I had never ever enjoyed the bucolic cultural joy of "tipping" cows.

When I told him that I was afraid of the things because, well look- they're enormous and they have big heads and.... all those teeth. And no one in their right mind should go near them- he fell out of his car laughing.

Needless to say I perfected my "hip check" that evening practising "cow tipping" with him and one of the family herds.

It was very empowering. :)

Why I choose goats

[kyrakai.livejournal.com]

I hates the nasty beasties. They aren't as stupid as they look and they can be really stubborn. Milking one is true exercise. I prefer milk animals that I can push around and that it doesn't take olympic level stamina to milk.

I also think the nummy lil critters taste better.