Give me Rurik's Turkey Sammiches any day

[ladycaviar]

So I'm eating a turkey and swiss sandwich at 2 in the morning, and since I hate both turkey and swiss, it occurs to me to wonder about a few things here.

The Swiss don't call it "swiss cheese." That would be asinine. Apparently, American Swiss is a version of Emmenthaler, which we can't spell, and call Emmentaler. I just amused myself and lost 20 minutes of my life reading the 'United States Standards for Grades of Swiss Cheese, Emmentaler Cheese' from the Department of Agriculture. Actually, I've read worse, with worse plots, even. Kinda fast-paced and rousing, for cheese standards. I have no idea what the "pleasing taste" they refer to is, though. I think American Swiss tastes like plastic, and I don't know why people like it so much. Gah. Yeah, Switzerland is home to 450 cheeses, and we eat the plastic. Some international joke, perhaps?

Deli turkey breast tastes like upholstery stuffing. Can't stand the damn bird. Stupid as a box of hammers, too breasty to breed, can't stop looking up to see where rain comes from so it drowns, and it tastes as good as its IQ. I've got like half a cup of mayonnaise on this sandwich soaked up by the Gobi bread and the Sahara turkey, slithering around on the Swiss plastic. Mmmm. And to think that what I really wanted to eat was a box of Hohos. All hail me and my nutritional superiority for not succumbing to petroleum-based snack foods and instead aspiring to petroleum-based cheese products instead. I question what makes this sandwich better than that box of hohos. I question what makes this sandwich better than that cardboard box, actually.

You know, I don't actually like sandwiches. Peanut butter is gross, and only fit for feeding to ten-year-old boys. Tuna is for starving college students, and I have served my sentence. Deli ham is another form of rancid plastic. Pastrami on rye is squeaky food. I hate pickles. I like a hot roast beef sandwich with cotto salami and melted monterey jack with the bun grilled just right to toasty goodness, but who's gonna grill that up for you at a neighborhood picnic? And there's always somebody who wants to save the last slice of ham or turkey or swiss for you, because you might be hungry... [insert shudder here]

And let's not even get me started on that horrible concoction, sawdust wheat bread. Or as my Bertrand was wont to point out, whole grain wheat bread. Because technically, white is wheat. (Not really, B. It's styrofoam shreddings. But I ain't eating your weird cattle-feed granola chunk rat-gnawed colon-blasting hard tack weird shit, either).

But at 2 am, I figured I could use the tryptophan. Didn't work.

Maybe I'll take up being an alcoholic.

Comments

[yaminagdh.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm up too and I tried to call you and zee phone was off.

[ladycaviar.livejournal.com]

No signal! Pain in the tuchus. Apparently though, all the cool kids were up, and we had a party without even knowing it...

[stitchwhich.livejournal.com]

Gee, it's 4:04 and I'm still up. We could have a coffee clatch. Or maybe a chocolate clatch. Yeah, that would be better.

[martelvonc.livejournal.com]

So that was it! I woke up at 3:30. You all were too noisy! :-) You finally settled down a bit and I got back to sleep....

[keastree.livejournal.com]

Which Rurik? There are 10 I can think of, and 5 who might know you well enough to give you a sammich. :)

[ladycaviar.livejournal.com]

The one who stole Aethelmearc, of course.

[tedeisenstein.livejournal.com]

Dunno about tasty Swiss cheese (our Swiss/their Ermanthaler is forbidden in this house; I hate the taste), but as for the turkey: domestic bred turkeys are the dumb tasteless ones. Get yourself a taste of decently cooked wild turkey, and I think you might like it. Wild turkeys have had several generations of going up against hunters to breed the stupidity out of 'em and good taste into them.

[ladycaviar.livejournal.com]

Those suckers are way too smart. I'm gonna pit my wits against the Wild Turkey in a bottle.

[tn-lark.livejournal.com]

Of course the worst thing I ever saw was in a plain yellow box with black lettering on the shelf in the commissary. It read.

"Artificial, imitation, cheese substitute"

I suspect that the only thing about the whole box and its contents that WAS natural was the cardboard the box was made out of.

[bronx-baroness.livejournal.com]

Do what I do- cook your own turkey that you bought from the Whole Foods place. Buy your cheese from a real store like-- Wegmans. My latest craze is Alaskan Sour Dough bread from my bread machine. We had that with Herveus' positively decadent chopped liver Saturday at Highland River and I think I have enough ingredients for one more loaf. I prefer Manchet for bread, Stilton or Manchengo for cheese, whole grain mustard, and my own cooked turkey or roast beast.

Yeah- none of my current weight is due to junk foods... LOL

Product endorsement

[gafferbear.livejournal.com]

Forget peanut butter - you're right, it is for children and not for very long past adolescence. However this stuff is the adult equivalent. High in protein, but it also boosts endorphin levels. I highly recommend the results.