An Open Letter to the Jerk Who Stole My Watch

[ladycaviar]

Dear Jerk:

I hope you enjoy my watch. I hope you love it as much as I did. I hope you particularly love the brand new leather band I just put on it. It took me 14 years to find that watch, can you appreciate that? Did you know that a watch with a moon phase dial is called a complication, and is a ridiculously difficult item to find in the 21st century, when no one appreciates watchmaking anymore? And I'm not talking one of those ridiculous day/night dials, either -- I can tell whether the sun is up, for god's sake, I don't need to look at my fucking watch for that.

I'm choosing to see this action of yours as a gift to you, so that you might appreciate fine art when you steal it. Enjoy. Savor it. You only have a finite amount of time on earth to love that watch before you fry in hell. As for me, this is my message to me not to settle, that really I was meant to have the Patek Phillippe that has my name on it, the beautiful exquisite culmination of horological artistry that requires a true connoiseur to appreciate, and not some moral-free Philistine who walks off with other people's timepieces. I will, however, have to wait until the Lottery Fairy comes to visit. Harrumph.

The only regret I have is that had I known you would feel a need to take my watch, I would have refrained from putting a lovely new strap on it. You could have appreciated it just as well with the old fake lizard band with the broken buckle.

Fuck you.

[I see this sort of thing is rampant: fosveny was recently liberated of the burden of his lawnmower.]

Comments

[johnomar915.livejournal.com]

I sorry to hear someone took your watch. Please tell me you weren't mugged for it. On the other hand, please tell me if you were so I can come hunt the M***** F***** down. I have some aggression to deal with.

[ladycaviar.livejournal.com]

No, actually, it would be funny if it weren't so stupid. You see, I have this big gash on my wrist because I'm a dramatic idiot... and I just got the band on my watch fixed, and I haven't been wearing it because the buckle was broken, so I was wearing my fancy new beautiful leather strap when I went to go see the Simpsons movie [liked it, btw] but by the end of the movie I was in incredible discomfort because of the idiot injury, you see, so when I was in the ladies room I took it off and set it on the counter so I could wash the sweat off my wrist and stop the stinging. And when I turned around from the paper towels, no watch. Bitches. I didn't see a thing, or I would have hunted myself. Still had the buck knife with me, too. ;)

[yaminagdh.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry some asshat stole your watch. They'll get theirs. I also would like to congratulate you on your fantastic taste in watches. I love Patek Phillippe's 4934r and 4958G myself. I understand the wanting and needing the Lottery Fairie to visit in order to obtain one as well.

Patek Phillippe drooling

[ladycaviar.livejournal.com]

It was the 4936J, 5102J, but the exquisite Star Caliber 2000J that I get chills over. Mmmmm, donuts...

Re: Patek Phillippe drooling

[yaminagdh.livejournal.com]

Ahh... damn we have expensive tastes eh?

Re: Patek Phillippe drooling

[yaminagdh.livejournal.com]

Oh I'm definitely with you on the 2000 Star Caliber, except I have a thing for rose gold.

[windsingerbard.livejournal.com]

Yeek! 8o Coping mechanisms/grabbing the high ground aside, would it be a good idea to report this to the police? A piece that distinctive is sure to stand out, whether the guilty little She-Beast keeps it to wear or tries to fence it.

(Shit. I lose watches all the time — why I stopped wearing them; & anyway a cell-phone clock serves the same practical purpose — but never actually NICE ones. And never because it was sufficiently nice that a thief, or mannerless opportunist at best, decided to help themself to it when my back was turned.)

LOL

[silverannex.livejournal.com]

I especially like the 'fuck you' bit at the end. Classic. :P

=Anli=

[rlg.livejournal.com]

oh crap. Damn.

[tash-n-tail.livejournal.com]

Not having a good day Love? Zen hugs.

Now for the son of a bitch with the light fingers perhaps I could suggest a demon haunting from the nice old Voodoo Queen down the road?

[ladycaviar.livejournal.com]

Oooh! Heya!

Oh yeah, day, week, it all mushes into suckage. But the line at the top of the list: Not dead? tick that off! Great! I guess the rest is gravy...

Good to see you typing. :)

[tash-n-tail.livejournal.com]

Hhhmmm gravy -- highly overrated when compelled to count blessings!

Yeah it's cool to catch up with the Bro's.

Honey, luv the hair the whiskers the pink paw pads and the ginger patches. Yep works for me on a visceral level.